Have you ever felt like screaming, “I’m so done with life and with people?” Yesterday, was one of those days where I couldn’t take it anymore. I almost made the best and the worst decision possible. If you follow along, I work in a hostile working environment and I have depression and anxiety, too. So, going to work every day is a struggle.
When I say hostile environment, I mean, it’s main the clients that are the real ones that make it a rough environment. It is important to always “make the moment right” and “make them happy”, but why not make life and work easier for the rest of us? While my boss was on the floor with me, I got upset because a customer chewed me and another partner out over nothing. I mean OVER nothing. I understand my job and responsibilities, but to curse me out and give me an attitude for nothing is NOT okay at all. I got upset.
I wanted to know why this person has to be so rude (verbally) when it’s not a big deal. So my boss fixed it and sent me to the back. I said, “Say whatever it is. I can’t handle whining as I call it or screaming. I can’t. My anxiety goes through the roof.” Just as I utter those immortal words called “anxiety”, my boss hit me with the blow, “Maybe you need help or take a vacation. You have vacation time.” Really, another superior misunderstands me and what I go through and just says, “Oh, don’t take the customer’s rudeness personally.”
How can you not? I don’t like getting yelled at for nothing. Who does? I feel punching someone when I’m mad. I really do, but I don’t. I’m smarter than that. This happens every time I get vulnerable with an employer. Many employers can tell that I’m depressed. Well, if they can, then why can’t they be more supportive? Most employers are so focused on making the moment right for the customers, but what about employees?
I sat in the back for a long time and took a long look at my career. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it wasn’t my choice. But I can handle things and actually like running a business. It’s what I went to school for. I realized that I’ve been in too many hostile situations over the course of seventeen years. My boss was still in first grade when I started working and I told her that you have no idea what I’ve seen compared to you. Yes, I did certain things in previous jobs that I’m not proud of. I’ve worked with great people and not so great people.
I think the big problem is that I’m not happy. I’m not in something that I love. Since I don’t have enough to go back to school and earn a different degree, I need to work hard and find something else. I realized that I’m making my mental health worse by staying in and working in these hostile environments. I put myself in the abusive relationship and put with the abuse to the point of where I don’t feel it anymore. I’m immune to hostility, rage, and whining.
From a psychological standpoint, the question is why? Why do you stay when you could be happier? I think about it every day. I wish I could find something that suits me and my personality. And where I won’t get judged by another person who doesn’t get what depression is. Maybe that’s nowhere or in heaven. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
My next venture is career change. If I don’t look into something else, then I will keep binging on food and drinks until I feel numb again. Right now, I just don’t care. And you can tell that I’m deeply depressed. I can’t afford much let alone go to rehab because that’s more money that I don’t have. I just want to work and enjoy myself. I need to find what I love and do it.
But how do you tell someone how you feel without judgment? That’s so hard. Being vulnerable and sharing feelings isn’t hard. It’s getting someone who’s worthy of hearing what I have to say is the problem. Aside from my doctor and close people, I don’t have anyone else to share my feelings with. And I’m very careful of who I tell because people will tell me, “It’s all in your head” or “It’s life, kid.” I know life is hard. If you find someone who truly cares and listens without judgement, then wonderful. I wish I could go through life without someone telling me, “Suck less and smile more.” Funny, isn’t it? Talk a walk in my shoes and experience some demons in your life. It’s hard to smile when you can’t.