I tell myself it’s OK. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Anxiety is a bitch. Depression blows. And mental illness really sucks. And it will always be one. So much life has to happen to me that I want to explode.

I had a nice chat with my doctor in March and I kind of miss that. The importance of therapy for me is the relationship between doctor and patient. The doctor is there to help you and help you cope. Some love to keep you medicated, but there are doctors out there to help you. Most of all, mine listens. The last two weeks were crap. I don’t know why crap always happens more to me than others.

My working environment became quite hostile in recent weeks. Technically, it’s been a hostile one since last summer when I transferred over to that location. It’s hard for me to stay calm and slap a happy face when I’m dealing with whatever drama occurs either from a co-worker or a customer.

Some days, I think about leaving and finding new employment. I really do. Four years into my current job and I hate it (sometimes). I had two hostile working environment incidents occur at work and I had to be a detective instead of a referee. I had to question both parties and find out what the issue is and resolve it in a professional manner. I know all employees have different temperaments and everyone gets frustrated at times, but it’s more than a job. We need to respect each other and help coach each other.

I don’t like drama like the next person. I hate people fighting, yelling, whining like little girls and just being rude. It turns out that both incidents included verbal fighting and bullying towards each other. It didn’t make things easier when a customer filed a hostile working complaint against my employee that was being bullied. I applauded the customer for the complaint because no customer should witness rudeness of any kind.

I had a nice long chat with the district manager and helped me resolve the situation in a swift manner. One employee got reprimanded and terminated. I got really angry because I’m trying to stay healthy and keep my sanity in check. I can’t do that when people don’t behave and cause chaos for a depressed manager.

My mother finally read my author copy and it was a hard one. I know that it’s a touchy subject because I’ve seen a lot and she’s been through a lot. She cried right through it. She couldn’t believe the crap I went through in retail. I said, “Remember, you worked for the state as an auditor. That’s more stress!” It really gave her insight into how I feel and what it’s like living in darkness.

Both of us wish we never had mental illness and wished we could get our lives back. But we both have to face reality and accept the truth. I’ll never be the person that I want to be and live the life I want to because of depression. It’s that simple. It’s debilitating on so many levels. Both of us have severe depression. I will always be negative because of my health. Will always have no zest for life no matter how much I think on the bright side. I know it will kill me in the long run.

I’ll probably be working in my field for a lot longer. I’ll probably never marry. It’s not the end of the world because I don’t see myself as a wife or a mother. A companion is better than nothing.

Yesterday was my mother’s ECT. It’s always a great day when her treatments come around. She’s been so stressed out lately. We went, and she got sick before her treatments which isn’t unusual. Nerves get the best of you when you’re about to get your brain zapped by electroshock treatments. I often think to myself if that will be me when I get to be her age. I don’t want that but if it’s required, then so be it. It’s hard to tell your employer that you need to miss work because your mother’s having an ECT. I always say, “My mother is having a procedure.” And that will be the end of the conversation. Most people give you the “you’re crazy” look when you mention a mental hospital or ECT treatments.