My heart is racing. My stomach is in knots. My head is won’t shut up. I don’t know why but I have a strong fear of failure with this book. Maybe I’m too critical of myself or over-analyze things to death, but I’m still working on the book. Yes, almost a year in this June!
I don’t know what it is. The cover and back cover looks great. What I’m most concerned about is the content inside. It’s not chalked with stats, just my own personal experiences. I’ve had it edited so many times and every time I look at it again for the millionth time, I’m still not happy with it.
I spent many days and nights writing, editing, revising, asking for help, and I still don’t have faith in myself. Maybe I think I’m not a great writer or it could be my depression that’s causing me to think this way. My brain is wired to think negatively about everything. It wasn’t always like this until depression barged in my life’s doors, but damn it’s annoying.
I’ve spent countless hours devoted to creating a professional-looking product and burned through so many cups of coffee. Maybe my dad is right, maybe I need to let it go and publish it. He’s read excerpts of it and often asks why I always think bad of my writing when it isn’t that bad.
With anything in life, I need to fail before I succeed. I need to walk before I run. I need to stop procrastinating and over-analyzing things. I’m driving myself crazy by not publishing. If I fail, then I will feel like the biggest loser because I’ve spent a lot of time and money in this project including writing, editing, and cover art. If I don’t publish, then I will stand to waste all that money anyway because I paid for those services without using them.
My anxiety isn’t my friend right now, and neither is my blood pressure. My heart races and my blood pressure skyrockets under pressure. I need to learn how to relax and believe in myself. If the book flops, then I will find a way to cope. I will be frustrated and angered with myself and probably spend hours saying, “I’ve should’ve done this instead of that.”
I need to reassure myself that I can do this. It is possible. I can write something. I can get my message through. I need to be brave.