Depression Really …..

It really sucks!

Have I told you that depression sucks? So does anxiety and panic attacks? The past week was a difficult one. Depression comes in waves for me and last week, and I was in a foul mood. I felt like I was stranded in the middle of nowhere and got eaten alive by wolves or other wildlife.

I said goodbye to a nice manager that I was able to connect finally with and understands what it’s like running a business and being able to communicate with. He even believed in me and couldn’t wait to read what I was writing. For three months work was great. I looked forward to working with him. He believed in me that much and wanted me to move up in the company. I said, “Say the word and let’s make it happen.” Who knows where that will lead to because he moved a few hours away to his new district. Some managers promote and have faith in their team to go higher in their fields. Others like previous managers don’t keep their word and make BS promises. I’m still stuck at a store in a rougher neighborhood that I don’t want to be in anymore.

Honestly, I don’t feel safe at all at work. Seriously, the amount of people that are hostile, drunk or under the influence of drugs that come in for coffee is unbelievable. Since I don’t leave until 11 pm every night, I’m afraid that someone could kill me in a drunk driving accident. Not to mention some customers have done questionable things such as: drinking on property, the usual yelling and being disruptive, drinks thrown at us (literally!), and there are two older gentleman that stare at all of us women like predators or serial killers. You can see how happy or thrilled I am to work in a rough environment, but a job is a job.

It’s almost been a year since I witnessed a horrific stabbing and potential murder at my old store that gave me the worst PTSD in my life. I often wonder when will I ever get transferred and eventually move up within the company. Soon rather than later.

My new manager was nice. I liked her from the get go, but I could tell she was a lot more inexperienced from I envisioned. I don’t mind that she’s younger than me, but the fact that she quickly blossomed to manager within two years is amazing. I kept thinking, “She must be a great team member to be promoted that fast.” Or lucky. I’ve spent four years now in the same position and worked at various locations throughout Houston. I’ve busted my butt and was promised a promotion within six months upon hire. Did that happen? No.

Will it? I don’t know. I don’t trust companies that don’t keep their promises. I usually get so many partners ask me, “Where’s your store so I can see you?” Right now, it’s only a job. It was a potential career at the beginning. A home where I could stay with a company and enjoying work there for the rest of my life, but no. Some are truly lucky to work for companies that really appreciate their employees and believe in them to promote them for higher positions.

I’m not happy anymore at my job. I’m not appreciated anymore. This isn’t the depression kicking in or saying this. I was given the run around for four years and worked very hard for nothing. I learned a new trade for nothing. I’ve been told by several bosses that “you’re too shy or unpleasant.” So, you’re saying because I suffer from depression that’s why you don’t believe in me. I’ve dealt with this criticism before in other jobs where my mental health was the reason my supervisors didn’t want to promote me. “No, we will not hire this unfriendly and angry employee.” Yeah, heard this phrase many times. They don’t understand that depression sucks and I force myself to be as friendly as possible even though I don’t want to smile.

Who knows? Maybe my writing career will take off and I can finally do something. I love to be challenged. It’s exciting to do challenging things instead of doing the same repetive things over again.

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