I will finish what I started. I will not let little bumps in the road like a hand injury bring me down. No longer will I doubt myself and find true happiness. I will stop being a serial procrastinator. I will set a deadline and force myself to finish my memoirs.

I know what I want my book to look like. I know what I want to say and what message I want to be sent. I know what I want. So why am I still trying wasting time and let six months pass me by?

I don’t know why. I guess during off days I only want to relax and sleep. I may write for a few hours and then stop because I get tired. On work days, I just focus on the day ahead and what kind of chaos that day will bring.

If only I could do what I want to. This weekend was crazy. I’ve always been taught to look for the good in people, but sometimes I question whether there’s good in some. It’s always at work and I will encounter something that makes my mental health worse. It’s not by choice, it just happens. I was taught to respect people and use manners. I don’t know if this occurs in only retail, but I’ve seen more drama than my heart can take. I had customers throw tantrums like children. One went so far as to lie about their drinks and ended up calling me a derogatory name. Without thinking I was ready to curse back. Lying, throwing fits and being dramatic get you nowhere except face to face with an angry manager.

A lot of things question me in my mind and I don’t want to stay in my field. It’s like staying in an abusive relationship. I want to leave but I can’t. I have nowhere to go. No other retailer that I want to work for anymore. I hate it with a passion. It’s causing me so much strain on my heart and my sanity. It gives me more motivation to finish my book and save money and quit. I really want to go back to college for another field, but I feel old and broke.

I need to find something else worth my time and effort. I want to be happy and I want to write all day. I don’t want to keep working for another company and for little pay and no advancement opportunities.