An open letter to the Triple Threat Disease Aka Depression, Anxiety and Panic Disorder.

Dear Triple Threat Disease,

This is an open letter to you from me. I want you to know that you’ve destroyed my life in every possible way. For the past 9125 days (25 years) you have caused nothing but trouble. Do you know what you’ve taken from me? I don’t even know where to begin. I miss my old self. I was happy for once in my life, but that’s gone. You’ve taken my dreams of becoming a professional musician away from me. You’ve kept me in complete and total darkness and left me to rot in hell with the devil. Living in total darkness is way more than unhappiness. It’s pure hell. I want to live not just survive.

I have shed too many tears and spent too many nights unable to sleep. I became a bona fide insomniac because of you. My weight skyrocketed because of you and the non-stop assaults of hunger pains. I became addicted to junk food, soda, and fast food to numb the pains of torment. You caused my appetite and sleep to increase and decrease like a teeter-totter. My mind is always switched on like a light switch. So many thoughts are racing through my mind like NASCARs whizzing around the tracks of Daytona. Do you know the physical pain that you’ve caused me? The mind-numbing and excruciating migraine headaches I get feels like someone is bludgeoning me with a sledgehammer. It’s so bad that it makes your head spin like Linda Blair. My temper is like a short fuse because of you. My brain is useless for me because you cause low concentration, brain fogs, and other problems.

Somedays, emotionally, I’m done. Mentally, I’m drained. Spiritually, I’m dead inside. Physically, I’m sick from your effects on my body. I’ve met the devil and his disciples more times that I ever wanted to. They know my address; phone number and they know where to find me. Do you know how many scars that I have internally? There’s too many, and it would take hours to tell the full story. This is the closest that I ever want to get close to hell.

If this isn’t bad enough, the constant scrutiny and social stigma have been some of the worst experiences ever. If I had a dime for every time that I was ridiculed by another person, I would be more abundant than the entire 1% of the population. Because of you, people have the wrong perception of me. Most people think I’m weird, rude and unfriendly. That’s all because of you and what you’ve done to me. You are like a dark entity that inhabits my body and isn’t wanted in me nor anyone else’s body.

Why do you target me let alone others? What rise do you get out of torturing people? Do you think it’s funny? My soul isn’t for sale, and neither is my life. You can’t take something that doesn’t belong to you in the first place. I’ve isolated myself from the outside world to avoid the constant stigma and bullying related to mental illness. I’ve lost friends because of this. I have no desire to enter a relationship because social anxiety prohibits me from doing so.

I could’ve achieved more in my life without you. I could’ve gone to Hollywood or be on Broadway and done something that I enjoy. You took that away from me. I work in a field that I both love and hate. 9125 days are gone, and I can’t get those back even if I wanted to. Everyone else I know is excelling in their fields, and I feel like I’m still at the starting line. I can’t move, but I want to. I have zero motivation to do anything in my life. Getting out of bed and out of the house to go to work are the most heroic things that I can do.

Do you know that because of you I have gained over 100lbs in the last thirteen years of my life? You’ve caused me to eat very unhealthily and develop a fast food addiction as well as a binge eating disorder. I used to be a slender 130lb woman that is now over 226lbs. I overate food because I filled that void and tried to numb the pain in my head. Every day I look at myself and I don’t like the person staring at me. I dislike the “love handles” or “spare tires” that are all over my body. I can’t even turn guys heads into my direction. I’m no supermodel compared to other women.

I hope you enjoyed the constant onslaught and pain that you’ve caused me. Some people have died because they can’t take the madness anymore. But I won’t let you win. I won’t let you rob another person’s life like you did to me. My voice is being heard for the first time, and I will tell the whole know just exactly how dangerous you are. You are a evil criminal stalking for new victims while you’re humming your favorite Police song “Every Breath You Take.”

I miss the happy young girl who loved to laugh, play music and practiced my acceptance speeches when I made it big. I have a lot of dreams in my life, and then you showed up and caused chaos. Do you know what it’s like to be on the sidelines like a third-string quarterback?

But luckily, I have something that you will never have. I have strength, courage, power, a support system, doctors that I can trust, and other coping skills to help fight this war going on. I will fight you with every fiber of my being until my dying breath. I will put you to shame and send you back to hell where you belong. And I will enjoy living in heaven where there’s no suffering allowed. Take a good look at the collateral damage that has been done. I’m still living and breathing as we speak. I’m not going anywhere. You can blow smoke up my butt, but I’m locked and loaded. My freedom fighters inside me work tirelessly to defeat you at all costs. I choose to be a survivor and refuse to be another statistic. Why? Because I’m a warrior and a champion. Can you say that?

Sincerely your sworn enemy for life,

Me