Hello, my name is Miss Anxiety. Miss me? Thought you could uninstall me like you would do to an app that you don’t want anymore? I’m more powerful than that. I’m the app that never leaves your phone no matter how many times you tried to get rid of me. I’m like the “Mayhem Guy” from those Allstate commercials. I’m the obsessive stalker that’s always following you even though you can’t see me. I’m still here. For a long time. I’m the boogeyman that’s always under your bed and closet. There are days where I will haunt you relentlessly until you can’t take anymore.
“Here’s Johnny” or “They’re here” are my calling. I will burst into your head like Nicholson in “The Shining” or utter those words like Carrie Ann in “Poltergeist.” I am the poltergeist that haunts you for days on end.
“Hello…it’s me.” Cue Adele’s hit “Hello.” That’s what anxiety is doing to me. Barging her way into my life again and forcing me to sit on the sidelines. Goodbye starting quarterback, bring in the second and third stringers now. Two weeks after the accident, I’ve been surviving. It’s like being on life support. If that makes sense. I’m here living and breathing, but not living life to the fullest as what’s happening. Every day I tell myself that it will pass and think only good thoughts. It’s like your head is like a loud TV or TV show that you hate and you want to mute it or change it, but can’t.
I haven’t experienced attacks like these for a while. I vividly remember the worst attacks that I had in college back in 2005. I still remember being bedridden for six weeks. The past week I’ve had a couple of good days. Yesterday was very calming to some degree. Work ended early because of another remodel. My day, in general, was smooth. The others days, I’ve felt like I was trapped in Miss Anxiety’s Haunted House of Horrors. The other day, I went to lie down because I was in pain from my accident and woke up from a scary nightmare. I get recurring nightmares once in a while, but I will get weird and creepy nightmares during dark periods. This one nightmare left me saturated with sweat, sick to my stomach and my heart was pounding so fast. I was also breathing heavily, too. Again, my anxious brain assumed the worst and thought it was a heart attack. Nope, just a lovely attack.
Try having those nightmare attacks haunting you at all hours of the day. It’s like there is a party or a perfect storm brewing in my “Fight or Flight” system. My sleep is still normal. Surprising! I fell asleep while watching TV the other night and slept on the floor. That wasn’t smart, but my body had enough. And if things can’t be any more annoying, every customer at work asks me the same question: “What happened to your hand?”
Little do they know that the constant questioning of this drives me insane, literally. My mood is furious. PTSD really gets an extra boost every time someone mentions it. I think I need a sign that says: “Broken hand suffered in an accident. Don’t ask.” My heart starts pounding heavily when I’m always asked. I was talking with a customer whose husband was critically injured in an accident, and he suffered a compound fracture in his leg and other serious injuries. I could imagine the crash in my head, and I was freaking out. Her husband went through PTSD and constant looks from others. It took him a while, but he got over it. I told her that every time someone asks I just be polite and answer the question.
Yesterday, I got super paranoid because a couple of my partners caught the flu already and one got food poisoning. Do you know what your head does to you when it sees someone get sick? My brain assumes that we are sick, but we’re not. I went into full OCD mode and thoroughly washed my hands. I really hate my mind right now and wish I could shut it off. Same goes with the mood swings. My temper is very short. I’ve lost my cool a lot lately. Simple moments like forgetting to do this or not being able to do that makes me mad. Very mad. Wouldn’t you be if this was your third encounter with PTSD in the last 18 months?
Things take time to heal. I have to remind myself to be patient and not get angry. I’ve been good at drowning myself in the MLB playoff games especially since my teams are both in it. After the first win of the series last night, I really didn’t feel happy. Watching something that I love makes me happy. I just have to stay positive and just keep on living, not just surviving.