Take a good look at these two photos of me. The one on the left is a recent photo of me and the one on the right is from 2001 in high school. Where time goes? I don’t know. Most people look at my photo and quickly assume that I look like a pretty normal young woman. Correct. What you don’t see is the words: “Depressed or anxiety sufferer” written all over my face. It’s there. I don’t take selfies everyday or snaps anymore. I feel so self-conscious about myself that it’s not even funny. I miss my slender self. No longer my usual 130-140lb self. All I see is a middle-aged single woman that’s still 85lbs away from being my ideal weight. This is what mental illness done to me. I binge ate too much food, soda and isolated myself from the world. I shouldn’t be so critical, but I can’t even turn guys heads if my head was on fire. Most guys look away. Their loss right!
I’ve always felt like I was an outsider and felt ugly about my appearance. My early childhood photos of when I was a baby and toddler era were cute; and then came the long and ever-present awkward phase.
I loved these old school pictures of myself. I was so young and cute and then came this phase:
Don’t even get me started on the 1980’s mohawk haircut or the horrible fashion choices that I committed. I get the worse case of nightmares possible. I felt so ugly because of my hair, my glasses, my braces and retainer. Not to mention that giant cast on my arm for six weeks. You could tell I was a loner, the underdog, or loser by some people. It felt like I was an ugly duckling. I wanted to be a swan, but nope! I remember a classmate in school that would always torment me and said that I was ugly. It made me feel so ugly. He was glad that I did start a fight because I would. Say something rude and I will.
I tried pretty hard to fit in. It was never easy. I was attacked for everything. People are just plain rude sometimes. I just wanted to be me and to be accepted for who I am. Not all of my life was bad, some parts were harder than the others. School was always tough. Imagine getting picked last for kickball. Me! For most kids, they make friends easy. Not me. I wasn’t going to change for no one.
You can see a lot more of angst and rebellion during teen years. I was more self-absorbed into my music, my friends and who had the best party for the weekend. I didn’t give two cents about my schoolwork. I experienced a lot in makeup and other things, too. Teenagers! We don’t listen, right? Me. I don’t know how I made it through my teen and college years. College is when my breakdown occurred.
Honing into 35 years in six weeks, I feel even more ugly because I’m a lot fatter than I used to be. Like I said, I can’t turn guys heads in my direction at all. Most guys go for the skinny supermodel look. You won’t find it here. As far as a fashionista, you won’t find that here, too. Makeup, nope not here. I feel even uglier with makeup on. My face all over social media like a Kardashian will also not be found here, too. I’m a tomboy at heart. I love all things sports and hate girly stuff like manicures and pedicures. That doesn’t suit me.
Learning to love myself takes a lot of work. Give yourself some good loving everyday. So what if I don’t look like a model. So what if I’m a little chunky. So what if I like being au naturel and not painted up like a clown. I’m being me. Too many people from the outside can’t see the real me because of their own perceptions of me.
Just because I wear glasses doesn’t mean that I’m a geek or weird. I wear glasses because I’m blind. I’m fat because I got depressed, suffered a breakdown and developed a binge eating disorder that ballooned me up 100lbs than I should be. Drop any and all preconceived notions about me and see the real me. Underdogs like me end up ruling the world.