Dear Triple Threat Disease,
This is an open letter to you. I want you to know that you destroyed my life in every way. Roughly, for the past 9125 days (25 years) you’ve caused nothing but trouble. You’ve taken so much from me that I don’t know where to start. Look at the pictures above. I miss my old self. I miss that happy self. You’ve taken my dreams from me of being a professional musician. You’ve left me in total darkness, sadness, alone with the devil.
Too many tears have been shed because of you. Too many times I couldn’t sleep. I can’t even eat healthy. I can’t stop the voices running through my head. If that pain isn’t enough, the misconception and scrutiny of so many non-sufferers can be so unbearable. Some think I’m a rude and unfriendly person. I’m truly not. It’s because of you.
You’re like a dark entity that isn’t wanted in me nor anyone else. Why do you target me let alone others? What do you get out of torturing people? Is it funny for you? Do you get the biggest rush off of it? My soul isn’t for sale and my life is more precious than anything. You can’t have neither. It’s mine, not yours.
I’ve isolated people close to me. I’ve lost friends because of it. I have no desire to enter intimate relationships out of fear of being hurt and don’t need the added stress. I work in a field that I both love and hate. I love running a business, but I don’t like it sometimes. I feel like I could’ve achieve more without your constant annoyance.
9125 days have been taken away from me. I can’t get those back. Those days have been filled with some good, but some of the worst moments in my life. While everyone else is excelling in their fields, getting married, and making money; why am I still at the starting line? Oh, I know, because of you. I have zero motivation to do anything. Getting out of bed and out of the house are the most heroic things that I can do. Heading to work and dealing with the day-to-day can sometimes be a challenge. Especially when you’re dealing with unruly people at times.
I’ve gained so much weight because of you. I once was slender and now I look like a whale. I binge eat because I’m always hungry and need to destroy those feelings of being unwanted and hopelessness. I don’t like staring back at the person that I’m now in the mirror. I don’t like staring at love handles on me. Most guys look at me and turn the different direction. I’m no slender girl nor have a voluptuous body that some guys love so much.
You’ve caused so much physical pain that I have aches and pains in my body. I have sciatica in my lower back. I experience headaches sometimes. My stomach just loves it when you drive us nuts.
I hope you enjoyed the pain that you’ve caused me and other sufferers all over the world. For some of us, we can manage and do what we can do. For others, they have to be institutionalized several times or for the rest of our lives. Some take their lives, but I won’t. I won’t let you win. I won’t let you take what’s not yours. You’ve taken too much from me.
My sleep used to be the best thing since sliced bread. But you’ve taken that away from me, too. I’ve done a sleep study to see what was going on. Turns out you’ve given me: insomnia. Wonderful. But I got one up on you: melatonin. This handy helper lets me get the sleep that I need in order to function. As far as my energy, you’ve taken that, too. Where was my motivation, my drive, my energy to do something with my life? You have it. And I want it back. Do you think that I want to live in the same fishbowl over and over again? No.
Because of you, people get the wrong impression of me. Employers and friends of those employers assume that I’m just an angry person and very introverted. They go as far as criticizing me. They look at me with the stink eye. Any well-earned promotion has been turned away from me because they don’t feel that I’m the right suitor for the job. So rude. Hello, I have a business degree and extensive work experience. How am I not the right suitor? Many other people in public just look at me like I’m a child. A loser. Whatever, I have depression. How is this my problem?
The first 10 years of my life were normal. I was a happy child with a great childhood. No complaints. I didn’t ask for much. I enjoyed being a kid and doing all of the things that kids do. I had dreams of doing a lot in my life. Then you showed up and caused chaos. I’ve felt like I’ve been on the sidelines forever. A third string quarterback that will never be out on the field because no one wants to bring me in.
But luckily, I have something that you don’t. I have strength and power, too. I have so many things such as a support system, doctors that I can trust, many resources to help me cope on a daily basis. I have courage, too. For many sufferers, they can’t handle no more and just end the struggle. Not me. I will fight you till the end of time. I will put you to shame and send you back to hell where you belong. While I will enjoy living in heaven.
In short, look at what you’ve done. Look at me. Look at what I’ve been through my whole life. But I’m here. Living and breathing as we speak. I’m not going anywhere. You can blow as much smoke as you want, but I’m locked and loaded. Waiting for the next battle everyday. I don’t sleep until this over. I refuse to be just another statistic. I choose to be a survivor, always. Because that’s what I am: a warrior and a champion. Can you say that?
Sincerely your sworn enemy for life,