I feel like I’m at a crowded restaurant. The hostess greets you and asks: “How many in your party?”. I say: “Just one.” Then I when I’m seated I look over the menu and decide what I want. Let’s see I will take: “No depression for a week. No anxiety for two weeks. No panic attacks for three weeks. Oh, and keep the coffee coming!” After the waitress is done taking my order and brings me my plate, it looks like this! Hello, this isn’t what I asked for. Usually in restaurants, their portions and servings are larger than the actual picture on the menu. So I’m stuck with a full plate of food and will probably leave the leftovers on the plate because microwaved leftovers are nasty.

With mental illness you don’t have the option of ordering what you want and customizing your order the way you like. Why not? Too much clutter is filling my brain day after day. It’s like  your inbox is always open and someone shoves something in there when you didn’t ask for it to begin with. That’s me. I’ve got too much on the brain. Daily stressors like work, home, and internal struggles such as depression take a lot out of me. A lot. When I’m at work, I’m constantly running around providing the ut most professional customer service as possible. I want people to be happy with our service and come back for more. Not to mention, dealing with employees can cause some drama, too. Same thing goes with difficult customers. I can’t tell you how much it drives me insane when I have to work on schedules, stare at a computer, sit on conference calls and do other things as part of being a manager. It’s not always fun, but you do what you do and get paid.

When I’m home, this is my sanctuary. This is where I go to escape and just breathe. I can relax, go to sleep, hang out with close people who I love, and take care of the dogs. I’m a homebody by nature and sometimes at home, I will experience more stress. Being at home for too long causes cabin fever, so it’s time to get the dogs and go outside for a while. Oh, did I tell you that being an adult sucks sometimes? When I’m home, I worry about work. When I’m at work, I worry about what’s happening at home. Frustrating, right? Financial expenses are something that I absolutely hate more than anything. It was nice being a child and not having to worry about when the next car payment is due. Or how am I going to pay my rent? Or how will I afford this or that? Oh, to be a child again. As a child, I didn’t really worry a lot about grown up things. I was a child that thought and acted like a child until I grew up.

Internal struggles have been the worst of my problems. Twenty five years into the cyclone of mental illness, it hasn’t made life any easier at all. It may have made me stronger even though I don’t realize it. But I don’t have a secret formula or recipe for the cure of mental illness. If I discovered it then I would gladly share. Who likes living like this? Not me. The past year has been rough. Getting through a nice hurricane was fun. The aftermath was just as fun. Then witnessing a crime didn’t help the situation either. Transferring to another store on the other side of town wasn’t my choice at all. But I need my job in order to survive and live my life, right? Transferring to my new store was an eye opener. I’ve dealt with so many customers both good and bad. This location has been very interesting.

For one, the business makes less money than my old store. So, cue the long and very boring days on the job. The area that it’s in is less busier and sees less traffic, but still a profitable business. The customers are very nice and some are not nice. The employees are unique and diverse. Some have their own attitudes and their own drama, but nothing that I can’t handle. Sometimes people are stressed and they can be a little hard to deal with, but I always tell my staff: “The attitudes and moods are checked at the door. This is a job. You are to act and be professional.” But my first week there, I noticed a lot about my store. I will take a good look at my surroundings. I’ve had customers that panhandle, get drunk on our property, shoot up in the bathroom and seen other interesting stuff.

Boy, if you add up all of that I’ve encountered in the past year, some would collapse or break down. Sometimes, I will because I can’t take it anymore. But remember it passes! There’s always hope. When you have a bad day, it hurts and it always goes away. The past year I’ve noticed that I’m more depressed and my head is exploding like Mount St. Helens. I have a lot on my plate. I’m dealing with PTSD, constant assaults from Miss Anxiety, moments where I cry in my room or at work. Just yesterday, I sat in my car and cried like a girl. I don’t cry very much and I handle my emotions differently than others. But sometimes a good cry is helpful. It may make you feel better. I will be relieved to see my doctor this coming week so we can have a nice long chat about things. Boy, will my therapist being thoroughly surprised when she hears that I started a blog. Oh yes! I write to clear my head and to get these thoughts out of my brain. I can only stand it for so long. I’ve been unhappy for too many months and need help. I want to change a lot of things in my life including my weight and meal planning. But I need my mental health in check first before moving forward. I need to get my depression down, my weight down a lot, my eating habits and sleeping habits. I mean I can only use ZZZQuil for so long. I’ve been relying on it for almost two weeks now. Starting to become a habit for me.

So I worry about so many things and sometimes I just need space from everywhere. I need to escape from the outside world and just meditate and breathe. Invest in some TLC for me and my sanity. Sometimes, I can’t take anymore but I always persevere.