What’s on your mind?

sad

What’s on your mind? I love it when I log on to Facebook to check out any notifications that I have on my account. When I’m on Facebook, I always find it funny when you go write something and post it, the screen will prompt with: What’s on your mind, (and your name)? What’s on my mind? A lot. A full plate of food that often goes untouched. That’s what’s on my mind.

Do I worry too much? I don’t know. Is it because of Miss Anxiety and the trio called Triple Threat Disease? Oh yes! They’re a constant nuisance or pains in the royal butts. But I do like that you can choose a variety of emojis along with your post so people know how you’re feeling. I don’t think there are many emojis that really define the emotion that I’m feeling when I’m down, anxious, and just not in a good mood. An angry face may not even come close. The sad emoji face still isn’t quite right. If there’s an emoji face that looks like your about to kick someone’s butt, then that would be my emoji face.

Like the picture above, those emotions really define me to a tee. Emotionally, I’m done. Some days, I can’t go on, but I do. I don’t quit. Mentally, I’m drained. Duh! Who wouldn’t be? Spiritually, I’m dead on the inside on certain days. Other days, my spirits are up and in fighting mode. Physically, I fake smile! I fake it like an orgasm. No joke. It’s hard to put on a happy face when you don’t feel like smiling.

Sometimes, you have to fight the battle every day. Living with this for so long is like living in pure hell. I’ve met the devil more times than I ever wanted to. He and his disciples know me better than anyone. I could probably tell you their address and other personal information, too. I know them too well. There are so many scars on the inside from every encounter. This is the closest that I’ve ever want to come to hell. If only I knew what heaven is like. No suffering, no pain, no more tears, no more drama, and above all, no more darkness. Only sunshine and clear blue skies. Sounds like a dream, right? Not a reality? Depends on how you look at it.

No more sleepless nights, no more tears falling from my eyes, no more judgement from total strangers. No more. The brain can’t take it anymore.

brain

The brain says “Too full!” It can’t fit anymore thoughts inside. There’s too much crap stuffed in there everyday. That’s what is on my mind. Good luck finding an emoji that captures that image.

Mental illness is like holding up a white flag with a sign that says “HELP.” It’s like the yellow flag when there’s a caution on a race track. Like a flag on the football field. Hello, there’s something going on in my head. What am I supposed to do about it? Fight it. Fight it with help, medication, meditation, coping strategies and others to help you. Write it out if you have to. Living in stigma is like someone spitting you in the face because you’re different. Why be that cruel? Do you know what it’s like? Take a piece of paper with the word “Stigma” on it and destroy it. Set it on fire with a lighter or match or throw it into a the fireplace. Let it burn and soak it up. Lose the stigma, the better the world is for us mental health sufferers. Impossible, to a certain extent, but change can happen.

This is no laughing matter and it will never be one. Do you enjoy being assaulted on a daily basis by the devil and all of hell? If you say yes, then you’re nuts. Living with a war inside your head with so many battle scars is tough. Trust me, I’ve lived through so much trauma probably more than I should have, but I made it. I’m a warrior after all this time. It took me a while to see it, but I am. I forget that I am one on a lot of days. This battle is different for everyone. Some can handle it and some can’t.

true

This is so true! Everyday. You and your soul are bound and gagged and chained to your spot in hell. Your name branded on the door in hell. A number has been placed on your door. You’re constantly assaulted and attacked by demons to the point of no return. They won’t stop until they’re finished with you. You’re silent on the outside, but on the inside you’re screaming at the top of your lungs. It seems like no one can hear you. The Triple Threat Disease eats away at you piece by piece like cancer eats away at you.

Everyday, I have to untie myself, unchain all of the chains around my body, violently push down the door and set myself free. I do get scratched, cut and burned from escaping. Brutal isn’t? Well, did anyone tell you that mental illness was easy? Oh God, no! Everyday, I have to free myself and run towards the light in order to live and to breathe clearly.

 

 

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