Living with Low Self Esteem

pooh

Is this you? Have you ever felt just like Eeyore before on many occasions? Do you feel like “raining” on a “sunny” day? If you live with depression, this is how you feel pretty much every day. This cartoon is so spot on because I manage my depression pretty well, but I still feel like this everyday. I will watch as others enjoy life and I will stand alone in the corner wishing that I didn’t have depression. Since I don’t have a magic wand, I can’t wish for something to magically appear or disappear, but I can accept what is inevitable and think positively.

Growing up, I had a pretty solid childhood. I have two loving parents that have supported me in every way. I really can’t complain about that, but a sibling or two would’ve been nice. I really didn’t like being an only child. Sure, being the only child, you get all of the attention; but it’s very LONELY by yourself! I had many friends in school that had siblings and I always said to them that I was very jealous of them because they had someone to play with. And all my friends always said that they would be happy to donate their siblings to me in order to get rid of them. My mother couldn’t have anymore kids after my birth into this world because she had fertility problems (miscarriages) and had a hysterectomy.

You can say that I had a happy, but lonely childhood. I miss my childhood every now and then especially when I flew back to Wisconsin in 2012. (I’ll share a funny story about planes, for another time!) When I came home, there were so many changes in the places where I used to live. No surprise! Places get torn down and new places come in. It’s just life. I just deal with it. But my childhood home was pretty much the same. The same fence was still up (after 30 years!), the garage still intact (the one that my dad and my grandfather built), the swing set was gone (Oh, well!), but the house is now a periwinkle color instead of the red barn color when I used to lived there. I experienced deja vu. I remembered every thing that I did in that house: playing outdoors for hours, swinging on my swing set, finding the usual snake skins everywhere, and etc. I got pretty sad because time just flew by and I had to stop and look at myself in the mirror. I wasn’t a little girl anymore, I’m a grown woman now. So going back home for me brought back so memories.

Looking back at everything in my life, I still feel inadequate and feel like I have low self esteem. For the longest time, I felt like I haven’t accomplished anything in my life. What contribution have I made to society? What relevancy have I made towards mankind? I’m not famous. I’m not a celebrity. Everyone has their place in this world and everyone makes a difference in this world with whatever gift they have. For some people like Elvis or The Beatles, who share their musical talents with the world and cement their status in this world. But what have I done? Turns out, I am doing something. I’m a working progress. The good stuff has just begun. Fun fact: We all are! No one’s perfect and we learn as we go.

When I feel low and feel unimportant, it helps to turn that frown upside down into a smile. I think about the impact that I’ve made on my parents’ lives. I am their miracle child. Their only one. That’s a contribution right there. One point in my favor. I lived a happy life (along with depression, of course!) and done a lot of things. I’ve graduated from high school, graduated from college that I paid for myself (but Mom and Dad did help pay for a semester or two), got a degree in Small Business, bought my own car, established a long successful career in retail, done my own thing, and started this blog. So why do I feel like I haven’t achieved anything? The answer is: depression. I guarantee you that if I didn’t have depression than my life probably would’ve been more different. (Maybe, I don’t know) I probably would be more of an extrovert than my usual introvert self, gone out on my own and traveled the world, maybe gotten married and have kids. Not to say, this is impossible! This is reachable! But I feel that my depression and low self esteem pretty much kills the cat when it comes to achieving those goals.

You have no idea what it’s like to have zero motivation (I mean ZERO!) in your life because of depression. I have so many things that I want to do, but I have to try a lot harder because of my depression in order for them to happen. I would love to travel around the world (if I had more money!), find someone and get married, change fields, and the list goes on and on. I’m very critical of myself in terms of the way that I look. I’m not slender as I used to be in high school. Oh well! It happens to the best of us. I sometimes feel unpretty compared to other woman. I’ve always felt this way. Even in school, there was a boy that I was in love with and he didn’t acknowledge me because I didn’t look like a supermodel. I loathe the type of people that are solely interested in looks vs. what’s really inside. I’ve seen many guys look the other way at me. It really hurts sometimes. One of the guys that I work with told me that I’m very beautiful and if people can’t see that, then that’s their problem. True! I was really surprised that my co-worker said that to me in a friendly matter and not in a creepy matter.

Everyone wishes that they could be someone else for a day. So do I. But, just be you and nothing more. One thing that I’m trying to do on a daily basis is change my ways of thinking. Just ignore that overly-critical voice in my head and think more positive of myself. I’m not that unpretty. I’m pretty good looking. I’m pretty confident in terms of my appearance. I don’t wear makeup because I feel more self-confident without it. I do. I don’t feel the need to paint myself up like a clown to get attention. I prefer people to look at my face and to look into my eyes. See me as I see myself. Of course, I wish that I could dress a little bit better. I’m no fashionista nor care for shopping at all. I don’t spend hours online or shopping at the nearest mall for clothes. That’s just not me. I’m more of a tomboy. I like jeans and t-shirts. Tennis shoes, not heels.

If you have self-esteem issues, depression, other issues then take a moment and go look at yourself in the mirror. Look closely at yourself. What do you see? How you view yourself can affect your self-esteem. If you consider yourself ugly, than your self esteem is very low. I look at myself and take stock of all the things that I have. I’ll pick three things that I appreciate about myself and it makes me feel more important than before. Dealing with low self-esteem on a daily basis is a struggle, however, think on the bright side. Be proud of who you are! Who cares what other people say or think about you! I don’t. Living with depression is tough, but I fight everyday. Everyday. I thank God for making me a fighter. If I didn’t struggle in my life, then I wouldn’t appreciate everything that I have let alone worked for in my life. Take each day one day at a time and enjoy every moment you have on this earth.

bueller

My wish is to be Ferris for a day, be beautiful like Sloan, but in reality, I’m like Cameron! Sad but true!

 

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